I remember when my twins were born, I was overly assertive about keeping them on a schedule throughout the day and night. I religiously wrote down every feeding, nap time and nap length for each baby. When my twins were sleeping well, I was beyond happy, when they weren’t, it was a much different story. I felt defeated and upset and to be completely honest, it often ruined my whole day. In reality, I felt that if I could control their sleep, then it would help me control MY anxiety.
The anxiety parents feel surrounding their child’s sleep, also known as “sleep perfectionism”, usually has a much deeper meaning than just wanting your child to sleep well at all the appropriate times. I was certainly battling some “sleep perfectionism” when my twins were younger, and I now wish that I wouldn’t have spent so much time worrying about every minute of their schedule!
I am definitely not a relaxed person when it comes to schedules, however, I now know that you can schedule as much as you want in life, but sometimes a wrench is going to be thrown in the schedule and you need to learn how to pivot, when necessary, especially when dealing with children.
In this article we’ll go over the signs of sleep perfectionism and some strategies that can be used to cope.
What are some signs of Sleep Perfectionism?
Although, I do think that having predictability surrounding children’s sleep is an AMAZING thing (hi, I’m a sleep consultant), I also know that the quest for perfect baby sleep can lead to increased stress, anxiety and ultimately many let downs.
Some signs of sleep perfectionism are listed below:
· Unable to relax during children’s nap/bedtime
· Obsessively watching the baby monitor
· Difficulty letting others handle sleep for your child
· Ritualistic behaviors surrounding sleep & panic when the ritual is not followed to a T.
· Excessive sleep data tracking
If that sounds like you, continue reading to find out some strategies that can help!
1) Embrace the Unpredictability of Infant Sleep
Newborn sleep is ERRATIC. That’s a fact. Newborns will not be able to provide predictability surrounding sleep until close to 3 months old. Understand and accept that their circadian rhythm is underdeveloped and feeding every 2-4 hours throughout the day and night is perfectly normal. This has no bearing on your competency as a parent at all! After the newborn stage you do have the ability to work on your child’s sleep patterns more closely with the green light given from your child’s pediatrician.
2) Create a Consistent Bedtime Routine
A consistent sequence of events is instrumental in helping your baby sleep well. Children thrive off routine. A predictable bedtime routine is step 1 in ensuring your child will drift off into dreamland as seamlessly as possible. Your bedtime routine could look something like this:
1. Feeding
2. Bath
3. Diapers, pajamas, sleep sack
4. Read a book or sing a song
5. In bed awake
*After 12 months we suggest removing milk from the bedtime routine entirely
3) Practice the “Pause”
Hearing your child cry can be gut-wrenching. Even watching them stir on the monitor, without being asleep can cause parents with anxiety to spiral. Practicing the “pause” simply means that instead of rushing in the second your child cries or wakes up, you instead – PAUSE. The pause length can vary based off age, however you will find that when children are given some time to connect sleep cycles, they often CAN do it and fall back to sleep! Getting into this habit early on can be very helpful.
Practicing the pause takes the responsibility of your shoulders in a sense. Many times, moms find themselves in a fight or flight mode when it comes to their baby’s night wakings. Transferring some of the load off your shoulders can be a pathway to a better night’s sleep for yourself, too.
4) Get Support
If managing your child’s sleep on your own is stressful, we are happy to help you navigate and troubleshoot so that the situation becomes manageable for you! Hiring us as sleep consultants ensures that you have a trusted professional reviewing your current circumstance, looking at the data, giving you a written plan and holding your hand through implementing that plan via 1:1 virtual coaching.
We’ve both struggled with sleep perfectionism before. We both have twins and know what it’s like to want our babies to get the best and most sleep that they can. Striving for perfect sleep for your children can cause anxiety to amplify. Children are not robots, and we cannot expect them to sleep perfectly all the time. In fact, we should expect that their sleep and sleep needs will change over time. As sleep consultants, we help you implement a sleep training method, schedule and routine as well as help you manage your expectations.
In the end, we want you to remember the phrase “it is my job to offer sleep and their job to take it”. Let’s control what we can control surrounding our children’s sleep and trust their bodies to do the rest.
Stellina Ferri is the author of this article. Stellina is a certified pediatric sleep consultant and mom of three.
She supports families through the journey of better sleep as a consultant with Tweet Dreamzz Sleep Consulting. She lives in the Boston, MA area with her family.
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