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Writer's pictureLindsay Loring

How to Handle Parental Preference at Bedtime

Parental preference at bedtime is a challenge many families face as children often latch onto one parent to handle nightly tuck-ins, leading to bedtime battles if their chosen “favorite” isn’t available.

But as a certified pediatric sleep consultant, I can assure you there are ways to navigate these preferences smoothly, making bedtime a more positive experience for everyone involved. Below are steps and techniques designed to build flexibility and comfort into your child’s routine, so that each parent can enjoy special moments and ease the nighttime transition.

 

Step 1: Open Lines of Communication – Avoid Surprises


When it comes to handling parental preference, transparency and open communication within your family is essential. Make a plan and talk with your child about who will be in charge of bedtime each night.

 

  • Why It Matters

   Children thrive on consistency and routine, so it's crucial they know what to expect each night. When they understand who will be tucking them in, it reduces anxiety and potential bedtime resistance.

 

  • How to Set It Up

   Each morning, during breakfast or after morning activities, announce which parent will be putting them to bed. This way, your child has all day to mentally prepare for bedtime with that parent.


Parent bedtime visual for toddlers and preschoolers

 

  • Visual Support: Cork Board and Photos

 

   To further reinforce this, use a simple cork board to hang a daily photo showing which parent will handle bedtime. Choose a fun photo of the child and each parent and rotate them daily. You can say, “Tonight is Dad’s turn!” or “Mom is excited to have special time with you tonight!” Adding this visual element gives a concrete reminder, helping your child feel more secure in the routine and will eliminate any surprises when the time comes.


Step 2: Confidence and Follow-Through – Put on Your Big-Person Pants

 

Establishing a routine like this isn’t always easy. Children, especially toddlers and young children, may express frustration, disappointment, or big feelings if the preferred parent isn’t part of the bedtime routine that night. But with confidence, patience, and consistency, these feelings can be soothed.

 

  • Stay Calm and Compassionate

   Remember, it’s natural for children to develop preferences. Validating their feelings is key. Try saying, “I know it can be hard when Daddy isn’t doing bedtime, but I can’t wait to read your favorite book with you!” Acknowledging their disappointment while gently shifting the focus can help ease the transition.

 

  • Stay the Course – Don’t Give In

    It’s easy to feel tempted to give in when your child shows strong emotions. However, sticking to your decision helps build resilience and flexibility from them. If you cave in once, your child may expect this every time. Show them that your family can adapt, and each parent is equally capable of comforting them at bedtime. It’s also helpful to remember that you can be confident in the decision you have made despite the pushback. Your child will find comfort in this eventually, but for some, it does take time and practice. Particularly at bedtime is the hardest, when everyone is tired, emotional and feeling vulnerable.

 

Step 3: Trust the Process & Wait. It. Out!


Patience is key. It might take a few days or even weeks for your child to adjust to alternating bedtime routines. During this transition, remember to be consistent and give it time.

 

  • The Waiting Game

   Expect a range of responses—some children may cry or even throw a tantrum the first few nights. This is normal. Continue to reassure them and stick to the plan. Gradually, they’ll understand that each parent can provide comfort and security.

 

  • Consistency Breeds Comfort

   Consistency helps children feel safe. By showing up, staying calm, and following through, you’re teaching your child that both parents can meet their needs. They’ll learn to associate bedtime with comfort, rather than associating it solely with one parent.

 

Step 4: Be Strategic with Comforting Phrases

The words you use are powerful. During this period of adjustment, certain comforting phrases can provide reassurance and ease bedtime stress.

 

  • Examples of Reassuring Phrases

 

    When you’re the parent on duty and your child wants the other parent, try saying:

 

    - “I know you miss Daddy at bedtime. I’m excited to snuggle with you and read tonight.”

 

    - “Daddy’s busy right now, but he can’t wait to see you in the morning. I’m here to help you feel cozy and safe.”

 

   - “It’s okay to feel upset. I love spending time with you and am happy to be here tonight.”

 

  • Empathy Over Explanation


   Sometimes, children just need to feel heard. Rather than long explanations, keep it simple. Acknowledge their emotions and move forward with the routine, focusing on the positives of your time together. “I understand what you are saying” “Okay hunny, I hear you, next is brushing teeth”

 

Step 5: Stick to the System Until It Feels Natural

 

Once you establish this routine, it’s essential to stick with it consistently, regardless of pushback. Remember that routines take time to set in, but the benefits are worth it.

 

  • Avoid the Urge to “Try It” and See

 

   This approach only works if you commit to it consistently. If your child has a clear preference, dabbling with this method here and there may only prolong the adjustment period. Dedicate to the plan and keep going, even if the first few nights feel difficult.

 

  • Celebrate Small Wins


   Acknowledge every step of progress! When your child stays calm, participates willingly, or engages in the bedtime story, celebrate these wins, even if they seem minor. Over time, these positive moments will build into a smoother routine. We always say, you are your child’s biggest cheerleader. Cheese it up with high-fives and hugs!

 

Embrace the Benefits of a Shared Bedtime Routine with your Spouse or Partner

 

Handling parental preference at bedtime can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and bonding with your child. When I was a kid, my father almost never put me to bed. Things are different now and both parents are taking an active roll in bedtime routines. By building a consistent routine, you’re teaching them resilience, patience, and flexibility no matter who is doing their routine that night. Plus, each parent gets the chance to build special, unique memories at bedtime.

 

Be patient, stay consistent, and trust the process. We realize the light bulb moment may take some time to achieve, we encourage you to stick with your choice as your child’s fearless leader.

Your family will find that in time, both parents can share the magic of bedtime, creating a peaceful, positive routine that strengthens bonds on all sides.

 

 

Navigating Bedtime Boundaries with Big Kids in Open Beds

 

As children graduate from cribs to open beds, new challenges often arise. Now that they can easily get in and out of bed, a simple bedtime routine may feel less straightforward. This transition can bring on an increased number of bedtime regressions, power struggles, and the infamous “toddler shenanigans” as kids test their new boundaries.

 

1. Understanding the Transition from Crib to Bed

   Transitioning to an open bed is a big step for toddlers, who are now exploring new autonomy. They may come out of their rooms more frequently, resist sleep, or push back against bedtime routines in ways that weren't as common in the crib stage. It’s natural for both you and your child to feel the strain during this period, especially as big emotions take center stage.

 

2. Setting Boundaries While Staying Gentle at Bedtime

   Balancing a gentle approach with clear boundaries can help. Consider using techniques like a short bedtime reminder: “It’s time to stay in bed now, but I’ll come check on you in a few minutes.” Reinforcing boundaries through consistency while validating your child’s feelings can make a big difference.

 

2. Embrace This Season with Patience and Guidance

 

   Remember, this is a season of growth. As sleep consultants—and soon to be parent coaches—we recognize the anxieties within this transition. Big feelings, bedtime struggles, and all, this stage doesn’t have to be overwhelming! At Tweet Dreamzz Sleep Consulting, we’re here to help you create a personalized plan to support your child’s sleep journey, restore peace, and take the stress out of bedtime.



Preschool and toddler sleep consultants

 

By reaching out, you’re giving your family the gift of a restful, peaceful evening. Contact us at Tweet Dreamzz Sleep Consulting, and let’s create a strategy that fits your family’s unique needs and one that you will feel confident in! You’ll soon look forward to bedtime as a cherished time of calm connection rather than a nightly challenge.

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