How to Handle your Toddlers Temper Tantrums

As a parent, there's one thing you can count on: your toddler will have a temper tantrum. It’s a rite of passage that most children go through at some point in time. These outbursts can be incredibly frustrating and emotionally taxing for parents, especially when they seem to happen out of nowhere or in public settings (tantrums in public are the worst!).

However, understanding the reasons behind tantrums and learning how to deal with them can transform these challenging moments into opportunities for growth—both for you and your child or twins.

Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to handle temper tantrums in toddlers effectively, calmly, and with compassion from a parent coach and mom to twins herself!

1. Understand the Root Causes of Tantrums

The first step in managing a toddler’s tantrum is to understand why it happens in the first place. Tantrums are often the result of your child being unable to express their emotions or frustrations effectively, usually from an unmet need. At this stage, toddlers are still learning how to communicate their needs and navigate their feelings, making tantrums a normal part of their emotional development. Sometimes there might not be an obvious and cause and that’s OK too. Sometimes the cause is just that your child is a toddler and meltdowns DO happen.

Common causes of tantrums include:

• Frustration: Toddlers often experience frustration when they can't do something they want to do (e.g., stacking blocks, getting dressed, ask for what they want). This frustration can quickly escalate into a tantrum.

  
  

• Tiredness: Sleep deprivation affects toddlers more than most adults realize. If they haven’t had enough rest, their emotional regulation is impaired, making them more prone to meltdowns. I know I am cranky when I haven’t slept well!

  
  

• Hunger: Hungry toddlers are not happy toddlers. Low blood sugar levels can make little ones more irritable and prone to outbursts.

  
  

• Overstimulation: A busy day or an overwhelming environment can lead to sensory overload, causing your toddler to act out.

  
  

• Desire for independence: Toddlers are at an age where they crave autonomy and may get upset when they feel restricted by rules or expectations.

  
  

• Seeking attention: Sometimes, toddlers throw tantrums simply because they know it will get a response from you.

  
  

By identifying these triggers, you can better prepare yourself to prevent tantrums before they happen and respond more effectively when they do occur. Remember, it’s not your fault that your child is having a tantrum.

2. Stay Calm and Maintain Control

When your toddler is in the middle of a tantrum, your natural reaction might be to become upset or frustrated as well. Trust me, I get it. However, it’s crucial to stay as calm as possible. Toddlers are keenly observant and often mirror the emotional responses of their caregivers. If you lose your cool, it could escalate the situation further. Controlling your OWN emotions is vital in the success of this process.

Here’s how to maintain control:

• Take deep breaths: Inhale deeply and slowly to calm your mind. This helps prevent knee-jerk reactions and keeps you focused.

  
  

• Use a calm voice: Speak gently and steadily, even if your toddler is yelling or crying. Your tone will help soothe them, signaling that everything is okay.

  
  

• Stay patient: Remind yourself that tantrums are normal. As frustrating as they may be, they are a temporary phase that will pass.

  
  

3. Acknowledge Your Child’s Emotions

Sometimes, toddlers just need to be heard. When your child is throwing a tantrum, it’s often because they are feeling overwhelmed, confused, or powerless. Acknowledge their emotions by naming them: “I see you’re upset because you wanted that toy,” or “I understand that you’re frustrated because it’s time to leave.”

This lets your toddler know that you understand how they feel, which can help them calm down. It also teaches them that it’s okay to have big feelings and that emotions are valid, even if the behavior isn’t acceptable.

4. Give Your Toddler a Space to Calm Down

Sometimes, giving your toddler a moment of quiet to collect themselves can be incredibly effective. You can create a “calm down corner” or a “thinking spot” for when a temper occurs, and you feel that your child needs some extra space.

This is not to be confused with the “time-out” method, which involve removing the child from the situation completely. A calm-down space is less about punishment and more about helping your child self-regulate. Look at it as them “taking a minute”.

5. Use Distraction Techniques

At times, the best way to deal with a tantrum is to redirect your toddler’s attention. Toddlers have relatively short attention spans, and by introducing something new, you can break the cycle of frustration and calm them down.

Here are some distraction techniques to try:

• Introduce a different toy or activity: Present something exciting, like a puzzle, coloring book, or stuffed animal.

  
  

• Sing a song: A familiar nursery rhyme or a favorite tune can help shift their focus.

  
  

• Change the environment: If you're indoors, go outside for a walk or take a short trip to a new place. Don’t underestimate the power of giving a bath either!

  
  

• Make a game of the situation: Toddlers love to turn everyday situations into fun games. For example, you could make cleaning up toys a race or a scavenger hunt.

  
  

6. Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries

While tantrums are often a result of overwhelming emotions, they can also happen when toddlers test boundaries. It’s essential to establish clear, consistent rules about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. By doing so, your child will learn what is expected of them, even when they don’t always understand why.

Consistency is key. If you allow something one day but not the next, it will confuse your toddler and could lead to more tantrums.

For example, if you say, “It’s time for bed,” and your toddler resists, calmly but firmly reinforce the boundary by saying, “I know you don’t want to go to bed right now, but it’s bedtime.” Then you can offer two choices. Do you want to hop like a bunny to your bedroom or crawl like a bear? Giving them ownership over certain decisions helps them feel that they are in control.

7. Avoid Giving in to the Tantrum

While it may be tempting to give in to your child’s demands just to end the meltdown, doing so can teach them that tantrums are an effective way to get what they want. If your child is throwing a tantrum because they want a toy, for instance, giving them the toy will only reinforce that behavior.

Instead, stand firm with your rules. If the tantrum is about not getting something they want, explain why they can’t have it and offer an alternative if possible. For example, "Hunny, I know you are upset that your blue cup is in the dishwasher. Tonight, you have the option between a red or purple cup." Holding boundaries while your toddler is discontent can help them get comfortable with things that aren't their first choice.

8. Praise Positive Behavior

I cannot stress this one enough! It’s just as important to praise your child when they handle a situation well as it is to address their misbehavior. When your toddler calms down after a tantrum, be sure to praise them for their self-control. Positive reinforcement helps toddlers understand what behaviors are acceptable and encourages them to repeat those actions in the future. For example, during moments of independent playtime, you could tell your child “I saw you playing nicely with your dolls earlier today, great job setting up the dollhouse!” Or, excellent job using your manners when asking for a snack!

9. Take Care of Yourself & Get Help if You Need it

Dealing with tantrums day in and day out can be exhausting, especially if you have twins. It’s easy to get caught up in the cycle of trying to fix your child’s behavior, but it’s also important to take care of your own well-being. Practice self-care, whether it’s taking time for yourself, getting enough rest, or finding moments of relaxation. The more you care for yourself, the more patience and energy you’ll have to handle difficult situations with your toddler. If you need help with your child’s specific situation and find that your own strategies have not worked, a parent coach can you help you come up with a plan and execute it with consistency so that you no longer feel lost and helpless.

Grab my free guide that will show you strategies to start implementing today!

Real Mom Experiences with Tantrums

As I write this article my twins are almost 4 and my son is 2.5 years old. To say that I have endured my fair share of toddler temper tantrums is an understatement.  I am still standing today to talk about it and am here to tell you that it DOES get better! At almost 4 years old, the twins’ tantrums are far and few between. Typically, I can easily identify the reason behind the twins’ tantrums now as their communication is much better than it once was. It’s certainly not easy, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The best thing you can do when your child is having big emotions is to stay calm, acknowledge your child’s feelings, and offer consistent guidance. You may be shocked to find out that you can turn these challenging moments into teaching opportunities.

Over time, your toddler will learn to regulate their emotions better, and you’ll both emerge from this phase stronger and more connected than ever. Patience, empathy, and consistency are the keys to successfully navigating the tantrum years.

Stellina is a certified sleep consultant and parent coach. With a compassionate and non-judgmental approach, Stellina helps parents develop their own solutions to challenges while cultivating a positive, peaceful home environment.

Her specialty is toddlers, preschoolers and multiples as she has dealt firsthand with the specific challenges that come with managing multiple children at once and the emotional behaviors that come with that dynamic! Click here to schedule a free discovery call!